Episodes of Tranquil Tirades
059: Hey, kids, did you know you can get a record deal overnight and become the most famous person in the world just by uploading a single two-minute video of singing and strumming an acoustic guitar to YouTube? (That sound you hear in the background is Damien's white-hot rage becoming sentient.) This month, The Real Protagonists tackle Jem and the Holograms — a movie that no one saw, and is so out of touch with reality, it actually shows a YouTube video being fully uploaded in under 60 seconds.
.: 3:17:35 :: 97.6 MB :: 06 September 2016 :.
058: The Summer of Collaboration ™ rolls on as Ian Wilson joins The Real Protagonists to cover Faust: Love of the Damned, a movie that makes not one iota of sense but is very, very metal.
.: 3:06:00 :: 96.3 MB :: 01 August 2016 :.
057: The Summer of Collaboration ™ begins as Will Ackerman joins The Real Protagonists to cover The Apocalypse, a Sandra Bernhard vehicle that you've never heard of, probably because it was a Sandra Bernhard vehicle.
.: 2:07:08 :: 65.4 MB :: 04 July 2016 :.
056: An episode years in the making, Damien finally sits James down to take in a viewing of one of history's finest cinematic achievements: Riki-Oh: The Story of Riki.
.: 1:32:39 :: 48.3 MB :: 01 June 2016 :.
055: We finally covered Elektra. We regret covering Elektra.
.: 2:05:35 :: 63.4 MB :: 08 May 2016 :.
054: More action! More excitement! More padding on a spectacularly shameless level! We'll leave it to you to decide which of those three things applies to our coverage of the next David DeCoteau film on our slate: An Easter Bunny Puppy. (Now with 37% more establishing shots!)
.: 2:07:43 :: 65.2 MB :: 31 March 2016 :.
053: It's been a few years, but The Real Protagonists have finally returned to the wonderful world of Nicolas Cage films with 1993's Deadfall. It's every bit as enjoyable as watching Cage snort a metric ton of cocaine could possibly be. Well, until they kill him off, anyway.
.: 2:10:03 :: 65.5 MB :: 10 March 2016 :.
052: The Real Protagonists kick off the new year with Jupiter Ascending, a large mass of hot air that's really just stuff from other stuff under the guise of an "original story." Come for the snark, stay for the terrible impressions.
.: 3:03:35 :: 93.3 MB :: 30 January 2016 :.
051: To cap off another year of astonishing cinema, James and Damien tackle Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. Try not to go cross-eyed as you listen to two guys talk about a movie that's about two guys watching another guy tell a bunch of kids about a lady that's telling another lady a story about a tiny lady. Seriously.
.: 1:55:36 :: 59.7 MB :: 25 December 2015 :.
050: To commemorate 50 episodes of the Tranquil Tirades, James and Damien go all out, perhaps too far, as they spend over four hours talking about Silent Hill: Revelation 3D, a movie comprised entirely of broken fandom and plot holes.
.: 4:10:04 :: 125.7 MB :: 08 December 2015 :.
049: Big Damn Heroes cohost, Hannah Krueger, again joins The Real Protagonists as they suffer through the second bewilderingly popular Twilight movie: New Moon. Listen as the three hosts chronicle how the most unlikable protagonist in film history becomes a blubbering mess over losing her abusive vampire boyfriend, and then anoints her best friend as the Mayor of the Friend Zone.
.: 2:48:20 :: 85.2 MB :: 29 October 2015 :.
048: Before the main course next episode, the guys thought they would have a vampire appetizer in the form of BloodRayne 2: Deliverance: AKA Uwe Boll's laziest film ever. Also, they share their thoughts on the original subject of their ire: Spider-Man 3.
.: 2:19:23 :: 72.2 MB :: 18 October 2015 :.
047: This month, Damien and James tackle possibly the most ineptly made film in the annals of the show: B movie classic, Samurai Cop. Join your beloved hosts as they discuss horrible wigs, the lamest gang in all of fictional media, and classic Sega CD shooters.
.: 2:47:27 :: 85.5 MB :: 30 August 2015 :.
046: Special guest Adam Karabel joins The Real Protagonists this month as they finally cross Howard the Duck off of the list. Good riddance to bad duck puns.
.: 1:55:43 :: 59.9 MB :: 31 July 2015 :.
045: Van Damme does it feel like a long time since your hosts have been able to kick back with a fun action movie. Well, okay, Double Team is a mostly nonsensical, often baffling collection of loosely related scenes, but the ending is cool! Look, we'll take what we can get at this point.
.: 2:24:38 :: 73.0 MB :: 30 June 2015 :.
044: They've got an anger and a snark that you've never seen before
They've got the ability to withstand films that are a bore
This show, listen to James and Dubs
You will hear their childhood die
Go Go Tranquil Tirades
Go Go Tranquil Tirades
Go Go Tranquil Tirades
You masochistic Tranquil Tirades
.: 2:04:37 :: 63.9 MB :: 31 May 2015 :.
043: You know, for a movie called The Happening, there ain't a lot going on here.
.: 2:30:38 :: 76.4 MB :: 30 April 2015 :.
042: Just when you thought movie sequels couldn't possibly get any worse than Highlander II: The Quickening, here comes a film that not only completely negates the entire Highlander mythos, but also royally besmirches Freddie Mercury while it's at it. Yes, it's Highlander: The Source, which truly shows that there isn't more to life than this.
.: 2:40:29 :: 81.3 MB :: 09 April 2015 :.
041: After the slog of last episode, it's time for James and Damien to relax and cool down with some paper-thin plots, concussion humor, and the simplistic beauty of the establishing shot. It's A Talking Pony!?!
.: 2:05:32 :: 64.4 MB :: 13 March 2015 :.
040: In an episode that was apparently destined to happen, your revived hosts tackle their fourth Transformers movie: Age of Extinction. Any hopes that it would be better (or even shorter) than the previous were soon dashed, as yet another episode record has been broken. Join The Real Protagonists as they discuss more vapid characters, bad humor, and downright infuriating moments.
.: 3:51:49 :: 121.5 MB :: 26 February 2015 :.
Special 03: So remember when we died? We got better.
.: 4:19:25 :: 136.1 MB :: 31 January 2015 :.
039: Santa with Muscles. The end of an era.
.: 2:10:20 :: 69.5 MB :: 18 December 2014 :.
038: In their first foray into the world of dramatic romance, James and Damien cover Glitter, the Mariah Carey vehicle that caused her to go insane for several years. Not even 1980s nostalgia can save this one, mostly because the movie itself can't decide what decade it's in. Also: Max Beesley can't decide which accent to use, and the writers can't figure out what a loan shark is. This is also the second official Tiradesverse appearance of Da Brat.
.: 3:00:00 :: 95.2 MB :: 27 November 2014 :.
037: It's been a while since your hosts have covered a bad horror movie, but Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation makes up for it by being simultaneously boring and baffling. It's a movie starring Matthew McConaughey and Renée Zellweger in early roles they'd both rather forget. It's mostly about running and knockoff arena rock. And the Illuminati, we think. Also, that Leatherface person makes a cameo.
.: 3:14:43 :: 102.6 MB :: 24 October 2014 :.
036: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation is a movie that has been on just about every "Worst Movies Ever" list, so why did your hosts wait until their third anniversary show to cover it? Well, what else can really be said about a movie with a jillion characters, an idiot villain, even dumber heroes, and some of the worst dialog in cinema? A lot apparently.
.: 2:40:54 :: 85.1 MB :: 02 October 2014 :.
035: After the intense pain of the last episode, the hosts have decided to sit back with some sweet bass riffs and genocide, courtesy of Yor, the Hunter from the Future, a movie in which the bulging pectorals and overbearing theme song are constantly fighting for screen time. It's just as awesome as it sounds.
.: 1:45:01 :: 50.8 MB :: 04 September 2014 :.
034: This month, your faithful hosts tackle their biggest challenge of the year as they review the "film" adaptation of the "book" Twilight. It's so bad that James and Damien could not do it on their own, as they're joined by Big Damn Heroes host and expert on the subject of being a female: Hannah Krueger. Together, the three of them try to figure out just exactly what the hell everyone likes about Bella, the effectiveness of staring as a mating ritual, and the rule infractions of Thunder Baseball.
.: 2:22:33 :: 75.3 MB :: 24 July 2014 :.
033: In what had been long-requested and -dreaded, James and Damien finally tackle Godzilla (1998), the tale of an ugly, speedy lizard and the incompetent group of humans on a quest to find it, feed it lots of fish, and destroy every building near it. It's a movie so fixated on cutesy comedy that it forgets to be anything resembling fun or dramatic, featuring the cast of The Simpsons and perhaps the worst actress in all of the Tiradesverse. Also, a great mystery is solved, and Chaka Khan is referenced. Enjoy.
.: 3:01:33 :: 95.7 MB :: 26 June 2014 :.
032: While Dragonball Evolution certainly isn't the worst movie your heroic hosts have ever reviewed, it is probably the laziest adaptation of a source material ever seen to this point. Join them as they tell the tale of a spiky-haired kid and a Jim Carrey cosplayer embarking on the world's fastest Easter Egg hunt. This is the part when we note that this podcast is longer than the movie.
.: 2:08:58 :: 64.5 MB :: 06 June 2014 :.
031: In what we guess is the podcast equivalent of a Russo Swerve, your faithful hosts review an Italian-animated movie that massacres the story of the RMS Titanic, only not the one they said they would. Rapping dogs are brushed aside in lieu of kitten-stepping villains summoning mafioso-sharks with a magic flute to manipulate a giant octopus to throw an iceberg, who can only be stopped by magical dolphins and a young woman that has consumed her body weight in LSD. Listen to see if James and Damien's hearts ever go on beyond The Legend of the Titanic.
.: 1:32:31 :: 49.3 MB :: 08 May 2014 :.
030: To commemorate the 30th episode of the Tirades, your courageous hosts endured the Lindsay Lohan bomb I Know Who Killed Me. How many problems are there just with this movie's title? Why are we supposed to care about a girl who's on screen for less than 15 minutes? Why does a girl who has been mutilated not cooperate with cops? What is with all of the gargantuan leaps in logic and plot holes? And why is there so much blue everywhere? None of these questions are answered, but you will get plenty of lengthy rants from both hosts. Happy... 30th episode...?
.: 2:00:00 :: 63.1 MB :: 10 April 2014 :.
029: In another blast from the past, The Real Protagonists go Uwe Bolling for Soup once more as they revisit the vampire action romp BloodRayne. Also, the most epic feedback section imaginable.
.: 1:48:20 :: 57.6 MB :: 27 March 2014 :.
028: For their next trick, James and Damien spend over two hours covering an 83-minute movie where nothing happens. Because you demanded it: A Talking Cat!?!
.: 2:36:41 :: 83.2 MB :: 30 January 2014 :.
Special 02: After nearly 30 hours of editing, we humbly bring you a look back at the year that was 2013. All of the movies, all of the rants, all of the pain.
.: 2:59:44 :: 87.4 MB :: 23 January 2014 :.
027: To end the year, your hosts took in a viewing of the filmic achievement Santa's Slay, starring Bill Goldberg. This episode is short and fun, just like the movie. We've earned it.
.: 1:21:16 :: 39.4 MB :: 31 December 2013 :.
026: A guest host, a dangerous button, a stupid bird, and Edward Furlong. Farva time is over. It's The Crow: Wicked Prayer.
.: 2:23:08 :: 76.4 MB :: 28 November 2013 :.
.: 1:32:08 :: 48.8 MB :: 24 October 2013 :.
024: Torque: The tale of James and the Giant Key. (Fans of The Ramones may want to skip this one.)
.: 2:26:58 :: 77.8 MB :: 03 October 2013 :.
023: It's Dark of the Moon
Most confusing film so far
Michael Bay should stop
James and Dubs are done
No more stupid Transformers
Longest show ever
.: 3:36:58 :: 115.0 MB :: 05 September 2013 :.
022: In what is easily the longest episode of the Tirades thus far, your brave hosts tackle Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, a movie legendary for its overbearing stupidity. For more than three hours, James and Damien try to tackle every single nameless robot, racial stereotype, and giant gaping plot hole. This episode is brought to you by SNICK.
.: 3:26:21 :: 108.9 MB :: 01 August 2013 :.
021: Despite all of our stalling, we knew we'd have to get to this point eventually. James and Damien spend nearly three hours covering the first movie in the Transformers trilogy, the installment that's inexplicably considered the good one. It's not. This show is not recommended for diehard Transformers fans or those sensitive to product placement.
.: 2:49:17 :: 81.6 MB :: 20 June 2013 :.
Special 01: In what was originally planned to be a mini-breather episode before the pain of Transformers, James and Damien instead spend a full-length episode tackling Heroes of Wrestling, which is widely regarded as the worst wrestling pay-per-view of all time. Drunken promos, botched moves, old school rasslin' stalling; this show has it all.
.: 1:40:29 :: 48.4 MB :: 17 May 2013 :.
020: Pain, thy name is Airbender.
.: 2:00:23 :: 58.2 MB :: 05 April 2013 :.
019: This episode of the Tirades breaks the all-time record for most unanswered questions ever caused by a bad movie. Why did the guys agree to watch another Uwe Boll movie? Why Alone in the Dark? Who is Christian Slater talking to? How do guns work? Why does anything happen in this movie? Does anything happen in the movie? We offer no answers, only entertainment.
.: 1:50:20 :: 53.4 MB :: 12 March 2013 :.
018: Cherish the day that the Tirades return with everything you've come to expect from the show: Sade references, Atari bartering, and exploding model planes. James and Damien tackle Highlander II: The Quickening, a movie so incomprehensibly flawed that it has become synonymous with horrible cinema. So hang on to your love, because this movie proves it's never as good as the first time.
.: 1:48:22 :: 52.4 MB :: 08 February 2013 :.
017: On this day five years ago, James created a monster the likes of which he curses every day: the Tranquil Tirades. In this, the fifth anniversary special of the Tirades, James decides to take a few more years off of his brain's life by going back over every bad movie he has reviewed, ranking them from "pretty bad" to "revolver-to-the-temple awful." Enjoy. He sure as hell didn't. Music in this episode: "Everybody Get Dangerous" by Weezer (the Tranquil Tirades opening song), "Take the Long Way Home" by Bloodhound Gang, "Gotta Get Away" by The Offspring, "Duality" by Slipknot, and "Thnks fr th Mmrs" by Fallout Boy.
.: 47:09 :: 23.1 MB :: 30 August 2012 :.
016: Okay, so there's good news and bad news. Good news: The Tirades are back with a new episode. Bad news: They had to suffer through Catwoman, a movie both hosts agree is in the top three worst they've ever covered. It features lots of CG, easy acrobatics, and a really old Sharon Stone. Also, the worst line of dialog in the history of the Tirades. Visit tranquiltirades.wikia.com.
.: 1:52:01 :: 54.1 MB :: 25 May 2012 :.
015: James and Damien discuss Masters of the Universe, interdimensional travel, and the future of the show.
.: 1:50:55 :: 53.6 MB :: 02 March 2012 :.
014: Troll 2 is a movie about vegetarian goblins that kill people with cake, so don't blame the guys for talking about fast food and the Ernest filmography.
.: 1:54:34 :: 55.2 MB :: 07 January 2012 :.
013: The Nutcracker in 3D. A short holiday episode full of made-up words and creepiness. Enjoy. We sure as hell didn't.
.: 1:25:25 :: 41.5 MB :: 02 December 2011 :.
012: Birdemic. Yup. This happened. One of our hosts loves it, one of them hates it, and the other is too tired to really have much of an opinion either way. It's a movie that has more to do with the perils of awkward romance and the evils of global warming than evil birds. So enjoy that.
.: 2:30:13 :: 72.4 MB :: 04 November 2011 :.
011: For this edition of the Tirades, the guys are sinking it from the free throw line to bring you a review of Kazaam, a movie that they somehow all watched despite none of them wanting to take the blame for choosing it. What follows is two hours of audio that includes Shaq rhyming, a Barton Fink reference, the guys losing interest about halfway through and just browsing IMDB for a while, and Damien's poetry writing debut.
.: 1:56:24 :: 56.2 MB :: 07 October 2011 :.
010: This month, the guys take in a viewing of Showgirls. What could possibly be better than a two-and-a-half-hour movie that somehow manages to make naked women boring? How about a three-hour podcast trying to talk about it. It goes about as well as you'd expect. Be excited. Be scared.
.: 2:54:49 :: 84.0 MB :: 04 September 2011 :.
009: Bees. My god.
.: 1:44:05 :: 50.5 MB :: 05 August 2011 :.
008: In a very special edition of Tranquil Tirades, the guys tackle their first Uwe Boll film: House of the Dead. It's really freaking dull, so most of the episode is spent discussing late 90s one-hit wonders, tortilla cosplay, and Gumby. You'll thank us later.
.: 1:48:35 :: 52.4 MB :: 01 July 2011 :.
007: In this edition of the Tirades, J, D, and M tackle Battlefield Earth, a movie about evil Rastafarians from a giant purple gumdrop that overtook humanity with mostly punch-based weaponry. We didn't make that up, though all facts that we did fabricate are now canon. This episode is best viewed from a 45 degree angle.
.: 2:03:02 :: 59.5 MB :: 03 June 2011 :.
006: The Room. For real this time.
.: 1:55:11 :: 55.5 MB :: 06 May 2011 :.
005: And now what you've all been waiting for. Perhaps the most hoped-for review in Earth-2.net history. Relax and enjoy as James, Damien, and Mike take on one of the worst movies of all time: Tommy Wiseau's The Room. It can't be put into strong enough words how much this movie sucks. Let us pull you into a world of horrific sound editing, putrid dialog, and even worse acting. Filming of this movie must have been like having a screwdriver slowly twisted into your ear little by little. Only, the screwdriver is dipped in a lovely cocktail of battery acid and rubbing alcohol beforehand. Of course, Wiseau would have you believe this is all part of some genius "black comedy." Little by little, we think you'll understand why this film is so legendarily awful. So what are you waiting for, get to clickin'!
.: 1:01:01 :: 29.5 MB :: 01 April 2011 :.
004: This month, the Tranquil Tirades crew has somehow survived their last ordeal to bring you a review of Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, a movie so nonsensical that no amount of explosions or techno music can save it. Meanwhile, one e-mail provides endless entertainment, James changes his name, Damien drops knowledge of the Wu-Tang Clan, and Mike is replaced by a drunken robot that knows way too much about guns and motorbikes for someone that can't control his bladder.
.: 2:18:53 :: 63.9 MB :: 04 March 2011 :.
003: This month, the guys take a break from horror movie remakes to cover a video game movie, namely, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, a title wherein literally every word is a lie. If you ever wanted to know Damien's breaking point, this is the episode for you. To download this episode is to enter a world of pain.
.: 2:34:38 :: 74.6 MB :: 04 February 2011 :.
002: It's beginning to look a lot like... a new episode of the Tirades, and if that pun felt lame and forced, then clearly you've never seen the 2006 remake of Black Christmas — a movie so mind-numbingly dull that the guys have to drag themselves kicking and screaming to even talk about it. Seriously. If you want an in-depth review, go elsewhere. All you'll find here are metal bands, Emilio Estevez vehicles, and soap whilst your hosts try to figure out if they even watched the same movie.
.: 2:01:49 :: 56.3 MB :: 07 January 2011 :.
001: For the first official episode of Tranquil Tirades, James, Damien, and Mike sit down to watch the 2010 reimagining of A Nightmare on Elm Street. Medical inaccuracies, racial cleansing, and giant gaping plot holes are the order of the day as James tries to hold back the rage of his two horror-loving co-hosts. Meanwhile, Mike has trouble with names, and Damien may be Clancy Brown's adopted son. With special appearance by Waldo the Dog!
.: 2:20:47 :: 64.8 MB :: 03 December 2010 :.